There are all kinds of cultural, inter-generational and institutionalised opinions about how to build resilience in children and young people. My experience over the years, as well as the shared experiences of other child psychotherapists, psychologists and related professionals, has given me valuable insights into what builds capacity compared to what can crush the spirit of a child.

Compassionate awareness means rising above institutionalised thinking, to fully and deeply recognise that every child is unique in their essence, and embracing a genuine heart-centred approach. Moreover, an understanding of how resilience is linked to child development and neuroscience can turn a key into how children thrive.

 A number of years ago I attended an event in Westminster focused on mental health in children and adolescents in an educational environment. The subject of resilience came up and opposing views emerged from various educators working in different types of schools. One side embraced a nurturing approach, in contrast to another side, enforcing tougher disciplinary measures in their belief that it’s a “preparation for coping in a tough world”. 

What struck me about this forum was that there were no child psychologists or psychotherapists amongst the panel of speakers. There appeared to be a lack of necessary training, qualifications, experience and knowledge, to comprehend the impact on children who are exposed to punitive methods which can be traumatising. Trauma is internalised and can go unnoticed.

In my background of working as a school counsellor in diverse school settings, I have seen how children and teens have learned not to speak about their thoughts and feelings to an authority figure. In this respect, many children and young people have shared in the counselling sessions their  fear of being punished, dismissed and devalued. And at the opposite end, the teachers who are kind and caring and notice when something is amiss, make such an enormously positive difference to the wellbeing of those children. 

 

Let’s look at beliefs about ‘toughening’ up a child

Outmoded ideas about children and resilience include ‘toughening them up for this tough world’. Too many educational institutions still enforce inappropriately strict disciplinary measures which belong to the dark ages. It’s as if a mass hypnosis operates under this normalising archaic authoritarian behaviour. And the strange thing about this is that it is all considered acceptable. The understanding that young minds are malleable is also obvious to educators and those in power. Some questions may disturb the status quo, such as who benefits from imposing fear-driven obedience on children? As a mental health professional I can say, certainly not the children. Discerning healthy, appropriate and reasonable discipline may need to be taught. And I speak from experience, having witnessed disturbing treatment in some of the schools I worked in. 

Educational institutions who put the wellbeing of their pupils first, with a balance of creative activities and play, are going to see the benefits in how children’s brains grow through nurturance, healthy boundaries and inspiration.

 

Conduct and behaviour

When a disruptive child is sitting in a classroom, they may behave in a way which is not acceptable. If a teacher shouts at them (unfortunately this happens a lot), triggers can unleash the fight or flight response. It’s important for teachers and other school staff to learn to self-regulate and are made aware, if known, of the circumstances of the children and adolescents they are teaching. It may be that the child or young person needs to receive help through therapy.

 For children whose conduct and behaviour are disruptive, they are very often in a state of chaos and confusion. These are children that could benefit from a professional to help them develop awareness as to the cause of their behaviour, and to know that who they are is not their behaviour. But they may not have the capacity to grasp the learning. This might be due to the consequences of trauma. Such children could benefit from a type of therapeutic facilitation that reinforces their awareness level so that they can grasp the concept of the cause (what happened) to the effect (how they think, feel and behave). The core of the therapeutic work would be to lower their stress levels through applied facilitations, tailored to their needs. 

What creates and what hinders resilience?

Resilience is not innate; the developing brain of an infant-child is highly impressionable and strongly influenced by the people around them, and this begins in the womb. A positive scenario during pregnancy could mean that the mother-to-be is generally calm and stable; she may be singing to her unborn child, speaking loving words as she places her hands on her belly. This creates an energy force that gets transmitted through the placenta into the foetus. On the other hand, if she is in a state of turmoil, experiencing anxiety, which increases her cortisol levels, the cortisol will pass through the placenta, transmitting into the unborn child. The impact from positive or negative experience is either going to support the infant’s capacity for resilience or manifest as anxiety and perhaps trauma, also causing the onset of other issues. Whether developmental interruptions occur in the womb, infancy, or childhood, the internal mechanisms which include ego defences will impede the natural flow in which resilience is an integral part. 

So when children and adolescents become anxious in situations that expose them to what they perceive as stressful situations, how the adults around them respond is going to have an impact. Exposure to stress can be done mindfully, such as becoming aware and, say, not picking on a pupil randomly to answer a question in class. This may seem like a small thing but can be extremely stressful for some children and adolescents, which can bring up a lot of shame and fear of being ridiculed.

A number of years ago I was seeing a young adolescent in a school who had been diagnosed with high functioning autism and extreme anxiety. When she first came to see me she wasn’t able to make eye contact. She spoke about being terrified when she transitioned from primary school to secondary. During her induction she recalled a teacher screaming at her and this incident had a profoundly negative impact and she went into freeze mode. Her stress levels accelerated to a point where she was unable to absorb learning or sit in a classroom as she was so full of fear and anxiety. Just this one incident triggered a stress response that stayed with her. She was also afraid to go on school outings, as on a previous occasion she had a panic attack on the bus and a teacher told her off. 

A school outing was coming up. She very much wanted to go but was too scared of having another panic attack. By preparing her over time, and teaching her breathwork and self-regulating techniques as well as exploring her history, she had the choice to go or not. In the following session she looked really happy. She built up the courage and enjoyed the social connection, she spoke about the fun she had. This experience gave her the confidence to do other things. Over a short time I saw such a significant change in her confidence level in social situations.

The quality of connection plays a major role in how the developing mind of a child is shaped and through the brain’s neuroplasticity can be regenerated through various therapeutic ways. The example above involves connecting and learning to gain insights. When an individual comes to trust the therapist, through sharing and weaving their biographical stories which processes the trauma, or less stressful events, the positive impact is visible to all.

Ultimately, the core of resilience lies in healthy attachment figures, caregivers who are loving, attuned and stable and who mirror that love in a way that the child internalises all of its goodness.