From a holistic view, my intention is to look at the characteristics of emotional tears as an important human and potentially healing function, centred on what supports and what hinders child development.
Starting with infants
It is of course normal for an infant to cry when they are in pain and when they are hungry. Their cries play an important role in survival as their absolute dependency on their caregivers communicates distress and also urgency. From the outside it may appear that at times there is no basis for an infant’s cry. However, there is always going to be a reason. And by developing one’s capacity to attune to their infant, with increasing awareness of a parent and caregiver’s role, it is going to make all the difference in responding to their physical and emotional needs. From a place of awareness you can try to imagine what the subjective experience of a little one is. When we think of their utter dependency and sense of helplessness, we can gain a greater sense of compassion and tenderness.
Of course, it’s going to be challenging for parents, for any number of reasons - exhaustion being one of them - when their baby is ceaselessly crying.
For parents and caregivers of newborns and infants who are struggling, this Crying in Infancy piece may provide some tangibly helpful ways to do a check and monitor a situation which may be otherwise baffling.
Responses and reactions to a child’s emotional tears
The relational dynamics between a parent or caregiver and child is crucial in as much as setting a blueprint in their lifelong journey. My main focus here is to emphasise the importance for the child’s healthy development and wellbeing in the ways that their emotional tears are responded to and whether those responses meet their inherent needs. When a child cries it can trigger different reactions for parents. The reaction may be a caring, loving empathic response, an irritated reaction, indifference or something else.
A child’s cries are not only communicating emotional distress, their tears are a natural biochemical response in the body, releasing emotional tension. There are numerous consequences for a child who is berated and threatened by an adult when they cry. When a child is shamed for crying, they internalise the shame and the associated negative feelings about themselves, such as being somehow defective. Parents and caregivers don’t necessarily see the negative impacts of unmet needs in a child and most often they don’t make links with emerging issues, such as anxiety and low moods when these issues arise. When a child or young person feels loved, cared for and respected in a healthy, balanced way, they develop a felt-sense that they matter.
What are tears made of and why are they important?
From a biochemical view, tears are composed of 98% water. The other elements consist of oils, salt and over 1,500 proteins. The release of hormones from the tears can aid in decreasing stress and also lift a person’s spirits. But for children, they need the presence of a caring caregiver. They are not developmentally equipped to effectively cope with crying in isolation. Their need for a tender loving response is Nature’s remedy embodied in the caregiver who is able to provide that. So a child’s tears need to be allowed to flow in alignment with the moment to moment situation, which is intrinsic to their emotional development. If a child is forced to repress their emotions and their tears then they will learn to cut-off their feelings.
A symbolic snapshot of alchemy, tears and the element of water
Carl Jung’s fascination with alchemy and the psycho-spiritual principles is centred on what it represents symbolically. There are many diverse ideas and texts about alchemy. The literal meaning which relates to turning the element of lead into gold, can be seen as a metaphor which touches upon the illumination of human potential. So the gold is the illumination. But if we ground this idea, part of the process of maturation, such as when an infant learns to self-regulate, this is more like a fluid, oscillating process that becomes a milestone. And fluidity in alchemy is known as solutio, related to the element of water. To be submerged in an emotional state i.e. a child crying, also contains the potential to replenish and rejuvenate. This potential arises when a child (or anyone really) is held in tenderness, whether physically and/or supported emotionally.
An advocacy for children’s wellbeing
When children have no sense of agency, when they are powerless over the dictates of the dilemma presented, this can develop into mental and emotional as well as physical issues. So when it comes to the subject of a child being allowed to cry or not, over time, it is important to be aware that it’s going to make a significant impact on their psyche, whether positively or not.
Integral to early development for the infant or toddler transitioning into a young child is to learn some measure of self-regulation and tolerance in which they don’t overreact to things as their understanding about their bodies and their surroundings grow. This is an adjustment and they are navigating their newly discovered world on a daily basis. These little people are emotionally fragile and sensitive and we don’t want them to involuntarily cut-off their feelings through unkind messages that can hinder them profoundly. Joy is their natural birthright.
Secure, Insecure and Disorganised Attachment
Attachment theory* is a huge topic but one which is crucial to the quality of parenting and the impact on their child. There isn’t the space to go into this here. But, breaking it down to the most basic level, there are Secure and Insecure Attachment styles. There are variations such as Ambivalent, Avoidant and Disorganised but it gets much more complex and nuanced in reality.
Moreover, in relation to Attachment, I was listening to a podcast featuring three experienced Jungian analysts and one of the analysts, Joseph Lee, talked about Disorganised Attachment style. Although the topic was about ‘the inner saboteur,’ I felt that what he was saying weaves into the ways in which a child’s leanings toward Insecure Attachment is birthed. Unfortunately this can continue throughout their life. As it concerns a child’s cries being unacceptable and their being labelled as behaving badly, is one example of seeding an Insecure Attachment style.
Joseph Lee has described Disorganised Attachment whereby the baby, infant or child finds themselves in a crisis. Their need to be soothed by their caregiver is so strong, the dilemma exists in their being anxiously attached and feeling abandoned on the one hand. And on the other hand, rather than being soothed by their caregiver when they become physically present, the parent or caregiver behaves in a way that is dismissive. This may also frighten the child, depending on the level of criticism, anger and/or aggression acted out by the person who is scolding them for crying. And as Joseph puts it, ‘they’re crying out because they have a lot of need but when something arrives to meet the need, they pull away because they’re not sure if they’re going to wind up feeling bad.’
If you’re interested in this podcast which is focused on the inner saboteur you can watch it on YouTube.
The importance of self-care and support for parents who are struggling to self-regulate
When we talk about self-care it sounds easy. But the circumstances of a parent need to be factored in. What kind of support do they have?
And there are also social stigmas that make it very hard for parents to talk about negative feelings around their parenting as well as how they’re coping. Whatever the situation, conscious (slow) breathing is something that anyone can do during stressful moments. This is also going to positively affect the baby.
So if a parent is finding it challenging to tolerate the crying of their child, by learning to centre and ground themselves, they are greatly contributing to their child developing a healthy capacity for greater resilience as they grow up. It may be that an intervention through professional support such as adult therapy, to explore a parent’s own childhood programming, can help enormously, as well as parent counselling.
*If you’re a parent or caregiver and would like to understand your own Attachment style (based on your childhood experience), your child’s Attachment and your relational dynamics, I offer this service in parent counselling sessions.