Finding a balance between discipline, setting boundaries and being empathic with a child or adolescent takes awareness and practice, especially if these elements don’t come naturally to you. Empathy takes you out of your head and into the heart; crucial for babies, infants and children’s development that carry over into adulthood. Every child needs empathy, to feel understood, cared for and safe, to reduce anxiety and low self-esteem and prevent emotional issues that arise out of its absence.

But first, let’s distinguish the difference between sympathy and empathy

• A person who expresses sympathy to someone who is suffering can feel sad about what they’re going through but this does not necessarily mean they have the capacity to be attuned to the other person’s needs, or provide a compassionate verbal response. If this is accompanied by pity, a lack of understanding can result in a condescending comment such as, “Poor you” which is likely to cause the other person to feel even worse.
• To empathise in a balanced way is to have the capacity to imagine into the other’s pain without getting entangled. The emphasis moves to the heart and being supportive alongside that person, validating their feelings through attuned, empathic words, gestures and tone. When a child is hurt, crying or throwing a tantrum, it isn’t helpful when the reaction towards them is dismissive, or demanding (unrealistically) for them to stop. An empathic response would be to comfort the child, be curious, ask them what’s going on and respond in a gentle, loving manner.

Based on my experience in working with children, adolescents and parents, these 4 ways to practise empathy with a child can make a profound difference in easing the child’s pain as well as helping the parent to feel calmer and better about themselves.

1) Warm responses beginning with self-care

The negative effect on the child if you don’t practise this: When a parent is cold and unresponsive, or shouting because they want their child to be quiet, stop crying or behave in a certain way, the child may comply out of fear; and most probably feel unsafe. When repeated over time this leads to long-term adverse impacts on the child’s mental health, programming self-beliefs about being defective. Children absorb everything and make meanings out of what the adults around them do and say; such is the power of repetitive messages that seep into the subconscious which can also be a cause of nightmares.

Parents play a vital role in shaping their child's self-beliefs and helping them regulate their stress levels through the parental bond. This primary attachment and the quality of parenting is instrumental as to whether or not their child becomes securely attached in the social world.

Comment:

It’s understandable when confronted with stressful circumstances that you can be thrown off-balance. But it's worth taking a breathing space to self-regulate and respond to the situation in a mature, integrated and grounded manner.

A practical tip:

If you feel out of control, angry, frustrated and about to lash out:
a) Pause
b) Take in a slow deep breath through your nose
c) Hold for 3 seconds then breathe out through your nose
d) Feel the tension in your body relax through each conscious breath
e) Do this 3 times
f) Imagine emptying your thoughts into the earth and being supported by it
g) Be open to what is possible when you let go and allow the wisdom of the heart to guide you.

2) Practising consistency

The negative effect on the child if you don’t practise this: By consistency, here I am referring to the central characteristics of parental behaviour, personality and capacity to respond from a mentally and emotionally stable position, at least 75% of the time. A young child will become confused and anxious by a parent who is habitually vague, sends mixed signals, snaps then soothes then snaps again, for example. This lack of consistency interferes with the child’s stability, setting up patterns of self-doubt and disorientation as well as other disturbances.

Comment:

I would encourage the practice of mindfulness, bringing self-awareness to your consciousness, to notice when irritations arise, a feeling of overwhelm, fear, resentment and/or anger. The benefits of practising mindfulness on a daily basis is that it creates an atmosphere conducive to the wellbeing of your child and others within your radar; including yourself. Everything is energy and with this in mind I suggest you give it a try.

A practical tip:

a) Apply (a),(b) and (c) of the no.1 tip above.
b) Now, breathe slowly into the space of your heart.
c) As you do this, imagine yourself surrounded by a soft white light enveloped with loving energy.
d) As you exhale, release any irritation, fear, anger or whatever negativity is present and imagine that the soft white light surrounding you is absorbing and dissipating it.
e) Now imagine the soles of your feet have roots grounding you to the centre of the earth.
f) With your mind clear and your heart receptive, from this compassionate space, you should have more access to the wisdom needed to respond in a balanced way that is consistent and in alignment with conscious parenting skills.

3) Being supportive and validating

The negative effect on the child if you don’t practise this: If at any stage in the child’s life a parental figure has left the infant or child to cry, has not shown loving support and has not validated their distress, the repetitive absence of warm empathic responses is going to interfere with their healthy development, trust and a whole host of other related issues if not repaired. Beliefs such as ‘toughening up’ a child by ignoring the child’s needs and withholding warmth and affection can be profoundly damaging long-term.

Comment:

We can trace the roots of a secure, well-adjusted child to a parental figure who has communicated delight through mirroring, such as smiling, showing tenderness and warmth in tone, gestures and comforting touch. This positive mirroring response to an infant-child’s emotional distress, as well as their bodily functions, sets up a solid foundation for healthy development.

A practical tip:

a) If you’re about to react by criticising, bite your tongue(!) and pause.
b) Use the breathing techniques above.
c) Imagine your child’s perspective, rather than your own as to what they might be feeling and what has triggered their emotional dysregulation.
d) Begin by validating their feelings, for example by saying, “You sound really angry, upset…” identifying whatever behaviours you feel they’re demonstrating.
e) Pause to listen to their response or lack of response without pushing.
f) If your child is reacting to something you’ve said or done which they perceive as hurtful, be prepared to apologise (admitting a mistake is being humble and honest and not the same as losing an authoritative position). Applying genuine compassion is also key to opening the channel of communication in a non-judgemental way, exploring the source of the issue.

4) Attuning to your child’s emotional needs

The negative effect on the child if you don’t practise this: When there is a lack of awareness and sensitivity to a child’s non-verbal signals, the absence of an attuned emotional response is often a cause of anxiety, resulting in ensuing problems with emotional self-regulation and insecure attachment issues. Feeling sensations in the body register distinctive emotional expressions, such as the facial muscles displaying sadness, fear, anger, pain and anxiety. In this sense, attunement relates to a parent’s level of sensitivity to be able to feel and recognise the internal emotional signals that run through the child’s body. This needs to be responded to empathically.

Comment:

In order to promote healthy development of the child, what is required are attuned responses that become encoded in the infant-child’s brain. This parent to child relational dynamic acts like a metaphorical key which opens a portal giving the child access to their positive emotional states, which in turn, reduces adverse emotions.

A practical tip: