I know from listening to many of the children and adolescents I see, how they measure their school grades against their self-worth. It seems to define who they are. But of course who they are is not their grades and I think it’s important for them to really get that and be guided how to disentangle this way of thinking, which undermines their sense of self.

For example:

High grades = I’m doing well = I’m better than others, I’m clever and therefore a worthy person = tentative self worth.

Low grades = I’m rubbish = I’m not as good as my peers = I’m not good enough = shame.

Neither of these scenarios reflect a healthy core self. On a psychological level it can echo a belief along the lines of, ‘I am only worthy based on what I achieve according to what is expected of me.’ 

Distinguishing what works and what doesn’t

There is a big difference between encouraging, challenging and validating effort, along with mistakes, in contrast to statements such as “You’ll never amount to anything,” or “You’ll be out on the streets.” These kinds of statements can so easily lead to unhealthy issues which evoke fear, anxiety and cause a lot of psychological problems like low self-esteem, underearning alongside workaholism and addiction later on. It’s important that children understand that making mistakes is not a negative but an essential part of their development, which includes their learning journey in school. 

Children and young people - and all people for that matter - need encouragement for their effort. This encouragement is much more likely to help those who are stuck, to become willing to rise to challenges, as opposed to giving up. Internalising the latter simply undermines a person’s sense of self-worth which can so easily create a loop of repetitive failures and fear-based reactions.

I’ve seen the impact on children when they are subjected to comments that cause them to feel really bad about themselves. When such comments become a pattern, they sink into the psyche, which plays out like a tape, running in the background. And that internal tape has a powerful influence. If it becomes so entrenched, it doesn’t go away. Unless something or someone - some kind of healthy intervention redirects that channel. Someone who is coming from a higher level of conscious awareness. 

Turning negative ideas about failure into positive results

Professor of Psychology, Dr. Carol Dweck’s research, has focused on the contrasts between children who she identified as having a fixed-mindset compared to a growth mindset. She talks about those students' with a fixed-mindset and perceived ideas such as beliefs about not being intelligent enough. With an emphasis on acknowledging that a student has not yet arrived at the desired result, with attention on the learning curve, it creates an accessible path towards the future. 

But this can only happen if the adults around the child or adolescent are willing to adjust their own fixed mindsets linked to embedded conditioning that run counter to a healthier working model. As they develop their self-awareness, they are able to disentangle from and observe habitual, unhealthy patterns which inadvertently result in sabotaging the potential to enrich the young person’s capacity when taking on challenges. This disentangling is integral to the therapy work I do.

Challenges that create enthusiasm

Challenges can instil a sense of accomplishment and increased self-esteem as long as they don’t stretch beyond the child’s window of tolerance. Force and pushing someone beyond their tolerance level, which induces high levels of fear, stress and anxiety is neither loving or constructive. Bearing this in mind, when a child or adolescent moves out of their comfort zone to learn something new and difficult, the neurons in their brain make stronger connections. This means that they are developing skills which activate more resilience. We can find a balance when supporting your child or teen, and the information below might help to integrate these thoughts.

A growth mindset

I’ve jotted down several suggestions from Professor Dweck’s TED Talk: The Power of Believing You Can Improve. See below:

Rather than praising intelligence or talent, try praising the process that your child is engaged in. For example, their effort, their strategies, their focus, their perseverance,  their improvement. Children who develop a growth mindset process the error. They learn from it and they correct it

Rather than the usual maths game rewards for getting answers right, use a game that rewards process. 

If you would like to watch the video on YouTube, click here.

You can think of ‘process’ as equivalent to a journey.

Balancing study with creativity and fun

Attentive students who are given space for balancing study with creativity and fun activities are more likely to be healthier in their attitude toward life and their wellbeing. When they are able to embody a thoughtful and curious nature and fascination, this is going to enliven them. So, how they’re being taught as well as how safe they feel in their school environment (as well as at home) is going to make a significant impact.

In my therapy work, feeling safe and being safe is fundamental - and even the most brilliant guidance for implementing strategies are not going to make a difference unless underlying issues are addressed, preferably through an experienced professional. 

Bringing competitiveness into balance 

If messages are given explicitly or implicitly to a child or teen, telling them they have to be number one - this type of pushing introduces  a sense of me against them. It can cause issues with making friends, jealousy, envy and unhealthy social behaviours in general.

Healthy mirroring

A child or teen needs to be sufficiently mirrored in a way that fosters tenderness and loving kindness. If we want our children to grow into healthy adults, then embodying traits such as compassion, empathy, balanced discipline, healthy boundaries for example is what engenders positive change. Whatever causes a child to suppress or repress their self-expression is likely to have an adverse effect.

The life-long gift you can give to children is to be a healthy role model, in order for them to internalise self-awareness, compassion for self and others, which becomes part of their inner resources that they can tap into.